MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT MUSINGS

Hey, everyone. It’s past three in the morning and I can’t sleep. I know, I know, it’s what I usually do anyway. Tonight my mind is going a million miles per hour and no matter how much I try to control it, nothing helps.

depressedid-100365516For starters, I fell again a couple of days ago on my friends’ porch. I was trying to bring in the mail when I began listing to the left. I already know I’m a fall risk, so I knew what was going to happen. I promptly shifted backward so I landed on my bottom. I didn’t hurt anything unless my pride counts.

I sat there for a few minutes crying in frustration because I knew it would take me a while to get back up. When I finally did, I brought the mail inside and made my way to bed, where I’ve spent most of the past couple of days.

I began thinking (again) what my purpose in life is supposed to be. I’m still thinking about it as I write this. Giving up isn’t an option for me, though I’d be lying if I said I never thought about it. I pray. And pray. And pray some more. Still waiting to hear back.

With everything that’s going on in this country now, I stress out and become more depressed. I love God, but I hate organized religion. Wars are fought for greed, power, and in the name of religion. Maybe that’s why my mind is so confused. Being well again is top of my list, so I implore my online followers and friends, please help me help my brain make sense again.

Hugs to all of you who listen and are there for me unconditionally and without judgment. I love you guys.

PS: I’m going to reschedule Dr. G earlier even if I have to cab it. I think all these meds aren’t helping. Xoxoxo

IWSG – AND NEW WEEKLY QUOTES

Hello, bloggers. It is the first Wednesday of the month and we know what that means, right? Time for the Insecure Writers Support Group – #IWSG.

NinjaInsecure Writers Support Group Badge Captain Alex J. Cavanaugh, my hero and one of my mentors, founded this amazing and wonderful group.

The group’s purpose is to allow writers to share their doubts and fears, trials and tribulations without fear of being mocked or feeling foolish. It’s also a place where writers who have “been there” can offer wisdom and guidance.

Whenever anyone finishes a draft, edits their work, finds the perfect critique group, publishes their work, or has any other good news to share, this is the place to do it too!

The awesome co-hosts for the February 1 posting of the IWSG are Misha Gericke, LK Hill, Juneta Key, Christy and Joylene Buter!

Don’t forget to visit them and thank them for their hard work!

Now that I’m settled in (for the most part) with home, doctors, insurance, etc., I started thinking about how I could motivate myself into blogging more. I decided that I would post a quote every week that would reflect how I’m feeling at the time I schedule it.

winstonchurchill124653

One week it could be funny, the next it could be reflective. You get the point. Since this is the first Wednesday of a new month, I decided to start today.

I somehow manage to find the courage every day. I hope you do too.

 

February 1 Question: How has being a writer changed your experience as a reader?

Check out my other blog’s post at lilicasplace for the answer.

What motivates you to continue blogging? Did you answer the question of the month?

 

 

 

 

 

#CTST – FINDING THE SMALL THINGS

Hey, everyone. It’s time for another posting of Celebrate the Small Things brought to us by LEXA CAINPost anything in life that you’re celebrating, no matter how small or big, on your blog.

Sign up by clicking on the image, hop around and celebrate with others.

Make Celebrate the Small Thingssure your blog post has a link to the sign-up as well, so other bloggers will be able to sign-up and hop around too. 

This is such a simple and easy blog-hop, and it also happens to be one of my favorites.  After posting the things you have to celebrate, please don’t forget to visit and thank Lexa and her awesome and amazing co-hosts for the wonderful job they do:

 

LG Keltner @ Writing Off the Edge   and Tonja Drecker @ Kidbits

Over the past few weeks, I’ve been trying to find the little things to celebrate. I’ve had the loss of an officer that I knew in my EMS days, and the anniversary of a medic supervisor that I also worked with, and who had the same thing happen to him that happened to me. Whenever the anniversary comes up of someone I knew who had what I had, I can’t help but feel some survivor’s guilt. I know that’s crazy but I can’t help it. 

Anyway, through all of that, I managed to come up with a couple of things that I’m grateful for.  

  1. I helped co-host January’s Insecure Writers Support Group (through my lilicasplace blog), thanks to the amazing Ninja Captain Alex J. Cavanaugh.
  2. I finally treated myself to a new Kindle.
  3. I get to see the kids next week and have another baby shower on Saturday.
  4. I’m STILL ON THE RIGHT SIDE OF THE GRASS, so there’s that. 

What have you celebrated this week?

 

 

 

FRUSTRATED

Good morning, everyone. Hope you all had a wonderful weekend.

There’s been a lot of stressing here for the last week, give or take a few days. As I mentioned in a previous post, I had my three MRIs done about a week and a half ago. My neurologist appointment was supposed to be on Friday, but I received a call that morning that he wouldn’t be in the office. The earliest ‘late’ appointment I could get was the beginning of March.

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Photo courtesy of FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Normally that wouldn’t bother me but with the whole medication thing up in the air, it leaves me frustrated. In an attempt to stay more alert, I’ve started taking my 30mg Duloxetine every other day instead of daily. I won’t chance any other changes until I see and speak to Dr. G.

It’s helped with the sleepiness, but minimally. The thought of lowering the number of meds I’d have to take daily fueled my excitement. Now I have to wait another month. I haven’t received any phone calls from him regarding the MRIs. I don’t know if it’s because he hasn’t seen them, or if it’s because no news is good news.

Not sure if I mentioned this before, but the purpose of two of the MRIs was to rule out spinal stenosis (like I need any other issues).

I suffered through two days with a monster headache a few days ago. In my bed was where I spent most of my time.

Other than that, I’ve been taking things day by day. Staying positive has been a task but between my friends, family, and Sophie, I’ll make it through. I might call during the week to see if he has any cancellations prior to March.

Thank you guys for always allowing me to vent, and for being there when things get tough. I appreciate you.

Have a great week. Hugs.

 

IWSG – SLEEPYHEAD ME AND FIRST QUARTER GOALS

Hello, bloggers. It is the first Wednesday of the month and we know what that means, right? Time for the Insecure Writers Support Group – #IWSG.

NinjaInsecure Writers Support Group Badge Captain Alex J. Cavanaugh, my hero and one of my mentors, founded this amazing and wonderful group.

The group’s purpose is to allow writers to share their doubts and fears, trials and tribulations without fear of being mocked or feeling foolish. It’s also a place where writers who have “been there” can offer wisdom and guidance.

Whenever anyone finishes a draft, edits their work, finds the perfect critique group, publishes their work or has any other good news to share, this is the place to do it too!

January 4 Question: What writing rule do you wish you’d never heard?
I don’t use this blog for my writing purposes, but you can check out my answer to this question at my other blog, lilicasplace. Yes, I’ll be co-hosting this month via my other blog. Yay!!

 

The awesome co-hosts for the January 4 posting of the IWSG will be Eva @ Lilicasplace, (Hey, that’s me!) Crystal Collier, Sheena-kay Graham, Chemist Ken, LG Keltner, and Heather Gardner!

Be sure to thank them for their hard work!

I’d like to wish everyone a Happy New Year and hope you enjoyed your holidays.

To those of you who follow this blog, you know that I recently moved from PA to upstate NY. It’s been an exciting, yet turbulent ride. I’ve met with my new doctors already and am waiting for the old ones to transfer my records.

I mentioned in my last post about the new med my neurologist has me on. Though it’s a low dose, I think it still interacts with my current meds. I’m sleepier than usual even though I’m up most of the night. I’ll be playing a game on the computer and will doze off for long periods of time. I see my neuro on the 20th and we can begin weaning me off some of my current meds. So excited.

I have many goals for 2017, but for now, I want to focus on the first quarter.

  1. Get my license switched from PA to NY asap.
  2. Find a therapeutic dose of Depakote and be completely OFF the four meds I discussed with my neuro.
  3. Look into Social Security’s Ticket to Work program, and talk to my doctors to see when and if I’ll be ready to work a low-stress job. Starting part-time would be great to dip my toes back into the work world.
  4. Venture out into NYC on my own via the bus or train. (I’ve taken the train to Hoboken, but there has always been someone there to pick me up and drop me off).
  5. Start using my to-do lists again. I’ve been so out-of-whack the past few months, that I haven’t done it. I notice I’m more efficient and less forgetful when I scratch things off a list.

Those are the biggies for now. I’ll keep posting as new things come to mind.

Did you answer the January 4 writing rule question? Any new goals or resolutions for the new year? Does a to-do list help you as much as it helps me?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

RECOVERY PROGRESS REPORT

Good morning, everyone! Encouraged by my first visit to my new neurologist last week, I thought this would be a perfect time to give you a progress report of sorts.

Getting better...

Hopefully will be taking a lot less!! 🙂

As a lot of you know, I take a variety of medications. For the purposes of this post, I’ll list the one’s that are relevant.

  • Keppra (Levetiracetam) for seizures 1,250mg daily)
  • Cymbalta (Duloxetine 30 and 60mg) daily for neuropathic pain
  • Paroxetine (Paxil) 40mg for depression. 

After going over my medical history and medications together, Dr. G. said he was a little perplexed that my other doctors had me on so many different medications for so long. He understands why they probably did; the Keppra is a safe drug with few side effects. Unfortunately, it is also a mood destabilizer.

He wants to try something new with me. He said that I have every neurologic problem the medication he wants to put me on will help. That medication is Depakote. I’ve known people on it, and had patients who were on it, but I never realized its versatility. I always thought it was to treat bipolar disorder only. Not so. It helps prevent migraines and seizures, works on neuropathic pain, and is a mood stabilizer. WHAT?! 🙂

Dr. G put me on a low placebo dose of it to see how my body reacts to it. If all goes well, when I see him next month, I’ll start weaning off the listed four meds, and have the Depakote gradually increase until we hit the magic therapeutic dose.

Unfortunately, my gait hasn’t been the greatest lately, and I’ve been using my cane more than I normally would. I’ve been clumsy lately and Vivi told the doctor that when I went to NJ, each time I returned, it took almost two days to recover. We’re hoping the Depakote will solve the mood and exhaustion problems, as well as the neuropathic pain.

Dr. G is sending me for an MRI of my brain, neck, and back since I’m unsteady. He noted that I walk with my legs a little spread and said that it’s my body’s way of keeping me balanced. I love that he speaks in layman’s terms. He basically said my spine is like the highway of my body. if there’s a lane closure, what happens? Traffic. I probably have some brain to limb traffic; actually, I know I do. Hence, all the MRIs. Fingers crossed that it’ll be something we can fix through PT or something. I’ll keep you updated.

 

 

 

 

 

 

#CTST – LOTS TO CELEBRATE

Hey, everyone! It’s time for another posting of Celebrate the Small Things brought to us by LEXA CAINPost anything in life that you’re celebrating, no matter how small or big, on your blog.

Sign up by clicking on the image, hop around and celebrate with others.

Make Celebrate the Small Thingssure your blog post has a link to the sign-up as well, so other bloggers will be able to sign-up and hop around too. 

This is such a simple and easy blog hop, and it also happens to be one of my favorites.  After posting the things you have to celebrate, please don’t forget to visit and thank Lexa and her awesome and amazing co-hosts for the wonderful job they do:

 

LG Keltner @ Writing Off the Edge   and Tonja Drecker @ Kidbits

Make sure to take a moment to thank them! I haven’t posted CTST in a few weeks, so there’s much to celebrate. 🙂

  • I saw my new neurologist this week and he is awesome. After a thorough exam and study of my current meds, he had an idea to start me on a medication that could possibly replace FOUR that I’m currently taking. FOUR! I’ll save the details for a post next week, but I’m so hopeful.
  • Two weekends ago, I went with a few friends to a baby shower in NJ. It was my first venture on the NJ Transit train (alone) since I got sick. We had a blast.
  • Last weekend, I went with two of the same friends to an Ugly Sweater Christmas Party hosted by my adopted EMS son Alex and his wife Cindy. I took him under my wing when he first became an EMT and was my probie on my overnight volunteer shift. He had no idea I was going. I stayed in the car while my friends went in to ask him to help bring in a package. When he finally saw me, his words were, “Oh my God, Mama Dukes!!” I thought we’d both cry and he told my friends I was the best Christmas present he could ask for. 🙂 
  • I went to dinner at Applebees with Vivi after my neuro appointment Tuesday for a girls night out. Her daughter works there and made us a specialty holiday drink – a mint chocolate martini. Yums!
  • I just read an email yesterday from Ninja Captain Alex J. Cavanaugh, author of the entire Cassa Series, that I won a giveaway for his book, Dragon of the Stars on audio! How cool is that?! It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas, la la la la la!  
Me and my adopted EMS son Alex, at the ugly sweater party

Me and my adopted EMS son Alex, at the ugly sweater party

 

Some of the old volunteer squad guys I worked with.

Some of the old volunteer squad guys I worked with

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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At Ivonne’s daughter’s Baby Shower. I’m the one craning my neck behind my sister from another mister, Vee.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

And, as always, I’m STILL ON THE RIGHT SIDE OF THE GRASS!! Yeah, Baby!!

What have you celebrated this week?