Depression Hurts – And Gets Me Anxious Too…

Hey there my beloved blogger friends. I’m going to be honest here; I’m having a totally crappy day, and have been for the past few. Remember when I mentioned going to my neurologist (Dr. H) a couple of weeks ago?

Depression Hurts

In addition to telling her about my seizure, I also told her that the depression medication (Paxil) that her and my neuropsychologist, Dr. D put me on was not cutting it. Clearly knowing that I was going back to square one with the driving wish because of said seizure incident worsened it ten-fold.

After discussing the options, we decided that Dr. H would increase my dose to 30mg a day, since I’ve been on the lowest dose (20mg) since dropping the Zoloft. I was to finish the scrip that I had, breaking the pills until I had the equivalent of 30mg, and then call her office for refills if the increase helped. It did. Considering that I had a lot of things on my plate the last couple of weeks, I handled it fairly well.

A couple of days before I ran out (last Thursday), I called Dr. H’s office and advised her assistant that I was doing fine with the 30mg Paxil and was ready for a refill. Since I’m staying in CT for a little while, I asked them to call the scrip in to the local CVS here.

I gave the girl all the information and she told me Dr. H would take care of it. My friend dropped off a refill of my muscle relaxer Baclofen two days later (Saturday) and requested the pick up of my Paxil as well. The pharmacy had no idea what he was talking about.

He came back from the pharmacy with only the Baclofen and told me that Dr, H never called in the scrip. Her office was closed and I was going to have to wait until Monday to call her office. I was furious, although I should have been more angry at myself than anyone else because I didn’t follow up that Thursday like I should have. I suppose I’d gotten too comfortable with Dr. H because she is normally great and has it all together, so I rarely had to worry. I have to stop doing that.

My last available dose was Sunday; I didn’t fall asleep until almost 4:30am Monday because I had a lot of pain during the night. I woke up a little after noon. I had my mandatory cup of coffee and called the office, leaving a voicemail with my dilemma. I got caught up in making other appointments and taking care of other issues before I realized it was after six o’clock and I had received no call back and the office closed at four. Shame on me again. Damn if I didn’t start getting cranky now.

I don’t know if it’s because the Paxil was leaving my system or because of my lapse in memory and focus, but here went another day lost when I could’ve had my necessary meds. My friends were telling me I was becoming distant, not wanting to talk much. I figured two days wouldn’t be enough time for me to start reacting the way I was, but friends and family are better judges than I am I guess.

I finally reached Dr. H’s assistant Tuesday afternoon after having to call the office twice. She apologized profusely and promised that Dr. H was going to call in the scrip ASAP and I could call the pharmacy in a half hour to confirm that they received it. I knew Dr. H was going to make me start over since it had been three days now without depression meds. Start with 15mg a day for four days and then take my 30mg. I told her that’s what I would do anyway.

One day I want to stop having to do this…

I realized this third day I was really becoming distant, moody, apathetic, and increasingly anxious. My appetite was practically nil. I need to become more aware of subtle changes in my moods and in the way I handle life’s daily ‘hits’. I don’t want to be on medication forever. As with my seizure meds, at some point, I want to wean off depression meds so I won’t need them anymore.

I didn’t mean to go off on a rant, but if you suffer from depression as I do, try helping yourself. If it takes the help of close family and friends to make you more aware of behavioral changes, listen. They only have your best interests at heart; sometimes even the strongest survivors need intervention.

I’m lucky enough to even have a blogger friend or two that know when something is not right by the pieces I post, how long I go without blogging, and topics I blog about. When all is said and done, I really am a very lucky lady. Thank you to those who follow me and to those who visit and like. You are truly appreciated. Have a great evening everyone.